Watching the Movie
by helotastic
Summary: Because Annabeth is an effing BLOND, Grover is white, and the whole thing was a lame excuse for a movie. The campers and gods have seen and hated the Lightning Thief movie. But while demigods can defeat an evil titan lord, no sweat, what will happen when their quest faces Hollywood, the paparazzi, and enough legal copyright issues to make even a lawyer have a nervous breakdown?
1. It Can't Be That Bad

Chapter 1: It Can't Be That Bad

* * *

"Want to play a mini game of Capture the Flag?"

"No."

"Swordfighting?"

"Blegh."

"_Checkers_?"

"Seriously?"

"Well, this is boring," Annabeth huffed, stretching her long legs across the sandy beach of Camp Half-Blood.

Percy fiddled with the blond curls that had escaped from his girlfriend's ponytail. "Boring is better than running for your life from a seriously evil titan."

Annabeth considered swatting his hand away, but relented. "That was just a year ago, huh? I can't say I miss it."

"I think dying a brave, heroic death would be better than dying of boredom." Nico held his hand out towards the rocks and sent pebbles whizzing past Thalia's ear. She didn't flinch.

The conversation lapsed back into silence, occasionally punctuated by the metallic ring of swords striking shields in the faraway arena.

"Risk?" Annabeth tried suggesting again. "Monopoly? Archery? Twister?"

They were interrupted by Rachel.

"You won't believe what I just found!" she said breathlessly as she appeared around the bend, holding what looked like a flat box.

"It's a movie," Annabeth announced, examining the case with newfound interest. "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief."

"It's about _me_?" Percy blurted.

"'It's the 21st century, but the gods of Mount Olympus and assorted monsters have walked out of the pages of high school student Percy Jackson's Greek mythology texts and into his life,'" read Annabeth from the back cover. "'And they're not happy: Zeus' lightning bolt has been stolen, and Percy is the prime suspect.

"'Even more troubling is the sudden disappearance of Percy's mother. As Percy finds himself caught between angry and battling gods, he and his friends embark on a cross-country adventure to catch the true lightning thief, save Percy's mom, and unravel a mystery more powerful than the gods themselves.' Where in Hades did you get this?"

Rachel shrugged. "It just popped up out of nowhere."

"The Hermes Delivery Service?" Annabeth mused out loud.

"Well, are we going to watch it?" Nico asked impatiently. He was already standing up, brushing sand off his dark wash jeans with his hands.

Thalia followed his lead. "Sure. We haven't had a camp movie night in forever."

Annabeth frowned, deep in thought, as she stared at the rock pile an arrow flight's away, where the last rays of sun desperately poked through the cracks. "I have a bad feeling about this. I mean, look at the cover. There's no way he's manipulating the water that easily. Plus, 'high school'? We were twelve!"

"Aw, come on. What else are we going to do?" Percy helped her to her feet. "Besides, it can't be that bad, right?"

Annabeth forced a smile. "Right."


	2. It's Worse

Chapter 2: It's Worse

* * *

"You wish, Seaweed Brain," Thalia said, shifting her bucket of popcorn just out of Percy's reaching fingers.

He stuck his tongue out at her. "Pinecone Face."

"Kelp-"

"Shut up, the movie's starting!" Annabeth hissed at her boyfriend.

"Why do you always blame me? I-"

Annabeth shushed him again and he slumped back against his lawn chair in annoyance. The glare from the screen illuminated the other campers' rapt faces. For such short notice, the Hephaestus cabin had done a great job of converting the amphitheater into a high-tech, surround sound, outdoor theater.

The movie, it turned out, was pretty good… well, during the opening credits at least. From there, the quality dropped as fast as the Stoll brothers could run away from the scene of their latest prank.

To spare you the details, we'll just say it was awful.

Painfully, excruciatingly, you-can't-be-serious awful.

By the last scene, the fury in the crowd boiled over, causing a full-scale riot.

"Why am I not in the movie?"

"My dad doesn't look like that!"

"Where in Hades is the prophecy?"

"I know! What happened to the Mist?"

"And the original mummy Oracle?"

"They. Forgot. My Tree. How am I going to protect the borders if I'm not there?"

"I look old! I don't look like that at all! And I'm a very peaceful person! I don't carry around a knife!"

"I do NOT have straight brown hair. I was NOT eighteen. I did NOT like Percy that way. I did NOT use a bow and arrows. I…"

"I killed Mrs. Dodds! And I drenched Clarisse with toilet water! And Riptide is not a click pen! And the pearls were a gift from my dad! WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THAT?"

Chiron stamped his hoof on the pavement several times before the campers were quiet enough to hear him. "It's nearly curfew. You should return to your cabins immediately."

Grover sniffled as he was pushed along in the current of people leaving the amphitheater. "They messed up everything. The cast is all wrong. The plot is all wrong. The setting is all wrong."

Juniper patted his back. "Well, look on the bright side. At least they got the names right."

"That's pretty much the only thing they _did_ get right," grumbled Thalia. "I still can't believe they forgot my tree. And Luke didn't come up with the idea to steal the bolt, Kronos manipulated him. It wasn't his fault!"

"I don't know what was up with the staying underwater thing, though. Only seven minutes? Lame," said Percy. "Although I did like all awesome my water powers."

Annabeth gave him a playful shove. "You so could not have done that back then. If I remember correctly, your water powers extended to toilet plumbing and water rides. Which reminds me, they didn't have the scene at Waterland, either."

"And what about Ares?" Grover said.

"And the Lotus Casino and Hotel? Lady Gaga, really?"

Chiron watched the last few stragglers disappear into the darkness in the direction of the cabins.

Something had to be done about this disgraceful movie.

But what?


	3. Godly Impressions

**Wow! Thanks for all the positive response.**

* * *

Chapter 3: Godly Impressions

* * *

"Well, what do you think?" Dionysus asked. He and Artemis had left camp that morning to go show the movie to the gods.

Poseidon was the first to voice his anger. "I didn't build the Poseidon cabin for Percy! And I gave him the pearls as a gift!"

"We're wearing togas!" wailed Aphrodite. "That was, like, so two thousand years ago."

"Who put me in that – that outfit?" Hades said, bristling with anger. "When they die, they'll be sent straight to the fields of punishment!"

Hephaestus frowned. "They left out my mechanical spiders. I'm very proud of them, you know."

"Not a single mention of the great prophecy and the pact of the big three," Zeus said. "And why Olympus looks as gloomy and depressing as the underworld?"

"Hey!" Hades protested. "Elysium isn't gloomy and depressing!"

"What we need is to take action," Ares declared. "Any fool that doesn't put me in a movie deserves to be killed."

"I never thought I'd say this, but you're right," Hades agreed. "The idiotic director didn't even put the entrance to my domain in the right place. The Hollywood sign, really?"

"I feel a haiku coming on…" Apollo stood up amidst the other gods' groans. "I hate this movie. The makers should be dead. They really screwed up."

Artemis rolled her eyes. "Bravo. Your middle line has only six syllables."

Apollo frowned. "Does it? How about: The makers should be tortured?"

"Don't stray from the topic," growled Ares. "What should we do to the mortals that made the movie?"

"Spontaneous combustion should do the trick," replied Athena. "Though they deserve worse, after what they made my daughter do. Flirting with that sea spawn…"

"That's my son you're talking about…" Poseidon warned.

"He's an idiot. Just like his father," Athena snapped.

Poseidon started to open his mouth to retort.

"Enough!" Zeus boomed. "Let's deal with the problem at hand first!"

"Moo," went Bessie, who was floating in her water bubble in the corner.

"Honestly, I think we should just ignore it all," said Aphrodite, checking her already flawless nails. "It really wasn't that bad. There was so much percabeth!" She squealed.

Athena looked like she wanted to strangle her.

"We could kill them slowly and painfully," suggested Ares with a gleam in his eye. "Rip them up, limb by limb…"

Demeter shook her finger at him. "You will do nothing of the sort."

"Why don't we let the campers take care of it?" said Artemis "They can go on a quest."

"A quest…" Dionysus muttered. "That's genius!"

"I try."


	4. Quest Out Loud

**Writer's block. :P**

* * *

Chapter 4: Quest Out Loud

* * *

"Chiron?" Annabeth eased open the door of the Big House.

The centaur rolled his wheelchair down the hall. "Yes?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did, but…" He trailed off, noticing Annabeth's distressed expression. "Ask away, my dear."

"We need a quest," Annabeth blurted, "to redo the movie. It was just so awful… We couldn't stand it."

"And who is 'we'?"

"Me. Percy. Thalia, Nico, Grover, Juniper, Rachel… Almost everyone at camp agrees."

"I can't see anything against it… You are to be the quest leader, I presume?"

"Well, that's the thing," said Annabeth. "This is something we all wanted to do together."

Chiron blinked in surprise. "I should warn you, this hasn't been done before, and for good reason. Three demigods is already a strong scent for monsters, and you're asking to have a quest with… how many?"

"Four demigods. A satyr. Possibly a mortal and a Cyclopes. And a certain Pegasus might insist on coming."

Chiron's eyes closed in thought. "There's no dissuading you, is there?"

Annabeth felt herself breaking into a smile. "No, sir."

"Let her go," Mr. D said, appearing in the hallway. "Olympus has decided that a quest is necessary."

Artemis appeared, scowling at Mr. D. "I was going to say that." She turned to Annabeth. "I insist that one of my Hunters join you."

"Thalia will come."

"Then that's settled," Chiron declared. When Mr. D and Artemis had left, he lowered his voice and added, "Make sure you give those moviemakers something they'll remember."

Annabeth grinned. "Of course."


	5. Even Heroes Do Their Homework

Chapter 5: Even Heroes do their Homework

* * *

They were about five minutes into the start of their quest before they realized they didn't know a single thing about the movie besides the fact it sucked.

Annabeth, always the intelligent one, decided that maybe they should actually sit down and plan something before they went anywhere.

And that was how four demigods ended up sitting in Starbucks, looking like any other group of normal people. Which they weren't, but, hey, where else could a demigod in downtown Manhattan get free wi-fi, air-conditioning, and a ridiculously overpriced caffeine boost?

"Thanks Hermes for internet," Annabeth muttered to herself, her fingers working furiously at her laptop. "Here it is… directed by Chris Columbus." She stopped to take a sip of her Frappuccino. "It's a pity, actually, because he's directed so many other good movies. Harry Potter, Home Alone, you know."

Nico drained the last drops of his plain black coffee. Decaf, because as old as he acted and as long as he had been kept in the Lotus, he was still thirteen. "What about script writers and casters?"

"Craig Titley," Percy read over Annabeth's shoulder, while a group of girls near the window kept sneaking not-so-covert glances at him. Annabeth resisted the urge to injure them and slid her hand into Percy's as he talked. "What I wouldn't give to find him, take Riptide and-"

"-or stick Aegis right in his face," Thalia chimed in. "That **[the contents of this rant have been removed in order to keep this story rated K]**."

"They're making a second movie, too," Annabeth added. "See? They're calling it the Sea of Monsters."

"Di immortales!" Thalia exclaimed. **"[This rant is, if possible, even more offensive than the first one]**."

"So… anyway," Annabeth said when Thalia had run out of steam. "Here's what I vote we do: Lucky for us, it looks like the director and the script writer responsible for this atrocity both live in California. We'll just have to find them and convince them to remake the movie."

"They can do that?" Nico asked dubiously.

"Well, they're doing it with that new Spider-man movie."

"Really?" Percy butted in. "Great, 'cause I really, really hated Spiderman 3. I mean, what was up with evil Spider-man? And the entire script. Oh my gods, they had the most awkward…"

"PERCY!"

"Right. Lightning Thief. Blame the ADHD."

"What about the part in the prophecy where we all fail anyway?"

Annabeth cringed inwardly. She'd been praying that no one would mention it. The night before, Rachel had delivered the prophecy for their quest, and the ominous words had been bothering her all day.

_A quest is required to quiet frustration;  
the journey will bring a surprise revelation.  
To avenge this great slight you will travel the land.  
When all hope seems lost, you will try your own hand.  
Fail in your quest but succeed in the end,  
and leave with the joy of an unlikely friend._

"It could be metaphorical?" She offered lamely. "Maybe we won't fail in the literal sense."

This was met with a pessimistic silence.

Thalia stiffened suddenly and set her half-finished iced tea on the table. "Don't look now, but there's a table of monsters near the door."

"What?" Annabeth twisted around to look. "Those girls? I thought they were just checking out Percy."

"Really?" Percy sat up a little taller.

Annabeth cut him a quick glare and swept her belongings into her backpack. "We should go. Maybe they haven't noticed us yet."

"Are you kidding? Four demigods, three of them children of the Big Three?"

The trio, two ditzy-looking blondes that might've been twins and a pretty African-American girl with wiry hair, had discarded their lattes and were now sauntering across the coffee shop.

"We meet again, Percy Jackson," the first girl said. She was smiling, like something about the situation amused her.

Percy stood up, his hand automatically going to his pocket. "Kelli."

"Kelli?" Annabeth was instantly beside him, her knife at the ready.

"Oh, yeah, have I never introduced you guys? Annabeth, this is Kelli. She's tried to kill me a few times. Kelli, this is my girlfr- WHOA!" He ducked as Kelli swiped at him.

Thalia's spear flew towards one of the twins, but the empousa rolled out of the way and crashed into a coffee bean display.

"Grab my hand!" Nico ordered.

"What?" Thalia cried. Aegis spiraled out from her wrist just in time to fend off a blow.

"Just do it!"

Percy jabbed at Kelli again and glanced at Nico over his shoulder. "I hope you know what you're doing."

"Yeah, me too."

And before the empousai realized what was happening, Nico was pulling all three of them into darkness.

* * *

**I think this is my favorite chapter so far, both to write and to read. **

**Please review, favorite, or follow if you liked it. It's always nice to know if someone appreciates my work. If you didn't like it, review anyway so I can improve it. Thanks!**


	6. Complication

Chapter 6: Complication

* * *

"Oomf."

"Watch it, Seaweed Brain."

"You're the one with the foot in my face, Wise Girl."

The shadows gave way to sunlight and they collapsed on the sand, where an incoming wave soaked all of them except Percy.

The beach was fairly empty, thank the gods. Who knows what the mortals might have thought.

Nico stood up shakily. "Anybody got any ambrosia?"

Annabeth tossed him a Ziploc baggie of fresh squares. "Are you okay? What was that?"

"Shadow travel," he explained between bites. "All darkness is the same, so creatures of the Underworld can travel through it and stuff."

"That was a pretty stupid thing to do," Percy said. "Noble, but stupid."

"I'm getting better at it," Nico protested. "It doesn't tire me completely anymore… Just… makes me slightly drowsy. Especially long distances."

"How far did you take us?" Thalia asked.

"California. That's where we needed to go, right?"

"San Francisco, yes," Annabeth stuck her knife in the sand and turned in a circle. "Zeus knows where we are now. California's a huge state."

"We're not far from San Francisco," Percy called back to the shoreline. Annabeth was startled to see he had waded several yards into the ocean. "I'd say we're just a little west of Santa Cruz. If we could just…" He glanced at Nico, who shook his head.

"Sorry, I don't think I'd be able to take all of you."

"We could walk?"

"Not happening."

The four demigods sat down on the beach to weigh their options. Taxis were too dangerous. No one had a car. The pegasi were safely tucked away at camp.

"Why don't we just find ourselves a travel agent and book a cruise?" Annabeth finally cried in frustration.

"You mean like… Hermes!" Thalia ran to the showers and smacked the pipe with the end of her spear.

A sputtering mist and drachma later, Hermes arranged for them to – uh, _borrow_ – a boat tied up at the nearby dock.

"But it isn't free," the god of travelers added.

_Bring us rats_, George hissed.

_Shut up. This is more important than rats_, Martha scolded.

_What could be more important than rats?_

Hermes raised his voice above the two bickering snakes. "I need a favor…"

* * *

**I'm not sure what to do with this story anymore. I love the premise, but I don't have any good ideas for the plot**** and I'm pretty much just making things up as I go along.**

**Could you guys review and give me some inspiration, please? Thanks for helping a fellow writer! (:**


	7. Dead Bodies? No Problem

Chapter 7: Dead Bodies? No Problem

* * *

"Look natural!"

"What in Hades is 'natural'?" Nico retorted, one hand gripping his sword.

San Francisco's infamous fog hung heavy around them, giving even the pastel-painted buildings a sinister look. Cars were nowhere to be seen and the sidewalks were as bare as the bony trees.

Percy looped his arm over Annabeth's shoulder and pulled her closer. "Smile. Pretend we're tourists or something."

Nico glanced at Thalia hopefully. She snorted and moved to the other side of the uneven sidewalk. "In your dreams."

"What? I didn't even say anything! You-"

Annabeth stepped in between them. "Kids, behave!" She smiled, but her gray eyes were busy scanning the street. "Chris Columbus' house is supposed to be in Pacific Heights…"

"How do you always know everything?" Percy asked in awe.

"I didn't." Annabeth held up Daedalus' laptop. "Wikipedia. The all-knowing internet also says that this area is characterized by its Victorian architecture. If I could just take a few pictures for my sketchbook…" Annabeth fumbled for a camera.

"Cough stick to the quest cough cough," Nico said into his sleeve.

Annabeth gave him a dirty look and resignedly studied the soggy map she had found at a bus stop. "We should split up. Everyone take a different street and look for clues that a famous director lives there. I know it's going to be hard to find him in this big neighborhood, but…"

"Hey! I see him!" Percy interrupted.

"What?"

Sure enough, the bespectacled movie director was disappearing inside a painted Victorian. The four demigods ran off in pursuit, skidding to a stop at his front gate.

"So… who wants to do the honors?"

There was a silent battle of wills as they pointedly avoided each other's eyes.

"Fine. I'll do it." Thalia marched up the front walk and rang the doorbell as everyone else followed.

A middle-aged woman in an apron answered the door. "Hello. What can I do for… Oh." She sniffed distastefully. They could almost physically see her chest puff out in disdain. "Are you lost, children?"

"No. We want to talk to Mr. Columbus." Annabeth said authoritatively, holding her head high and looking the woman in the eye.

"I'm afraid he has more important things to tend to. Good day." She started to close the door, but Nico stuck his foot in the way. Her eyes narrowed. "I said, good day. I'll let you enter this house over my dead body."

Thalia activated Aegis, Percy unsheathed Riptide, and Annabeth readied her knife.

Nico smiled innocently. "If that's what it takes, it can be arranged."

The woman paled and took a shuddering breath. "Come with me."

* * *

**Apologies for the lack of updates so far, but I have a legitimate excuse!**

** I've been working on a fanfiction-centric blog, where I'll be reviewing fanfictions and giving advice to other writers. ****The link is on my profile. **

**It only takes a few seconds to check it out and I'll love you forever if you do.**


	8. In Which Annabeth is BAMF

Chapter 8: In Which Annabeth is BAMF

* * *

"Give me one good reason not to call security," he demanded, the handset already at his ear. His hand was poised over the keypad, quivering with suppressed adrenaline.

"Honestly, if we wanted to kill you, you'd already be dead," Annabeth informed him succinctly. "But if it helps…" She unclasped her knife and slid it across the walnut floorboards, out of reach.

Chris jerked his head at the others. "And them? I don't want that sword tearing up my upholstery."

A clatter of weaponry joined Annabeth's knife.

"There. Happy?" Annabeth plunked herself down on the couch facing the director. "I'm Annabeth Chase, by the way. This is Percy, Thalia, Nico. But you should already know that."

"I'm sorry?" The phone is back in its cradle, but his fingers stay cautiously attached to the keys.

"You remember Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief?" Percy couldn't say the name without a grimace. "Yeah, well. We're the characters from the movie."

"I don't… How…?"

"Do yourself a favor. Just shut up and listen."

* * *

"So let me get this straight: You're the people this 'fictional' book was based on? And now you want me to film another billion-dollar blockbuster simply because you didn't like it?" Chris Columbus set his steaming mug of coffee back on the table.

"Not just us – _no one_ liked it. The truth hurts, I know. Sorry," Thalia said, not sounding sorry at all.

"Face it. Your movie sucked major hellhound balls." Nico threw in.

Chris shrugged. "Not my problem. And with a sequel on the line, I'd say you came too late."

"But you're Chris Columbus. Don't you have connections for things like these?"

"We already scored millions of dollars at box office, so what else matters?" The director sighed, as if he couldn't believe they were being so stupid.

"Seriously?" Percy spluttered. "Millions of dollars, and you couldn't spend money on contact lenses?"

"What, to get green eyes? Too Harry Potter. Besides, blue-eyed heroes were in style."

"This isn't about money or catering to whatever's in style! It's about making a good movie and… Wise Girl, help me out here."

Annabeth had been growing quieter and quieter throughout the discussion. Now she was completely silent, focused on something on the wall that no one could see.

"You didn't tell us," she finally said.

"What…" Thalia glanced around. "Or who are you talking to?"

Annabeth ignored her and stood up. She fixed Chris with the same cold gaze as her mother, the steel in her voice palpable. "You didn't tell us you were a demigod."

* * *

**My apologies for not updating in so long. :(**

**But look, here's another chappie. Just because a couple of you reviewers guilted me into it.**

**Funny story: I just realized that this chapter's title should've been the title of the entire PJO series, and HoO, too. Yes? No? Ehh, maybe I'm not as funny as I think.**

**Reviews make chapters come faster!**


	9. All Hades Breaks Loose

**Oh, hey everyone. *awkwardly slinks back onto fanfiction after another hiatus***

* * *

Chapter 9: All Hades Breaks Loose

* * *

**_Previously on Watching the Movie..._**

_Annabeth ignored her and stood up. She fixed Chris with the same cold gaze as her mother, the steel in her voice palpable. "You didn't tell us you were a demigod."_

* * *

"Are you people crazy?" The director stood up opposite her.

"That's why you let us see you in the first place, isn't it?" Annabeth demanded, thoughts whirling. "And when we first came in, you told us to put down our weapons. Meaning you can see celestial bronze. Oh my gods, it all makes sense."

"I don't know what you've been smoking, but you need some serious help." But his voice wavered. After all, he was a director, not an actor.

"What parent?" Annabeth asked softly.

"Clear-sighted mortal. There." He was refusing to meet anyone's eyes. "Are you happy now?"

And then the room exploded.

Okay, maybe not fire-and-smoke exploded, but definitely bang-and-loud-noises exploded.

The frosted glass windows shattered; a furry streak leapt to the floor. The chain link chandelier rattled dangerously.

"Get down!" Percy shoved Chris under the coffee table and snatched up Riptide.

The creature snarled and darted forward again.

"Nemean Lion," indentified Annabeth without being asked. "Its skin is impenetrable."

"You don't say," Thalia muttered, as a few quick arrows bounced off its side. The lion roared in annoyance.

"Grab Columbus and run," Annabeth shouted over the chaos.

Nico hauled the director up and out the cracked window, but Thalia stood her ground. "I'm staying."

"We can handle it," Percy insisted. "Go!"

"I'm staying, Kelp Head, and if you try to stop me, I'll shoot you, too."

Annabeth jammed her invisibility cap onto her head and rolled out of the way. Nemean Lion... Centuries of Greek history struggled to surface.

"Vlacas," she cursed. And then it hit her. Hercules. He had wrestled the lion to death. "Percy! Chandelier!"

He looked up, bewildered. "Why...?"

"Trust me." She tore off her hat. "Here, kitty kitty."

The lion twisted around towards her voice.

Percy hurled Riptide like a javelin. It sliced cleanly through the sculpture, and a hundred pounds of metal chain collapsed on the monster.

It flailed out, still howling. Heady with adrenaline, Percy darted forward and dragged the chain down, pinning it in place, choking it back.

"I've got it," Thalia called. Silver arrows sprouted from its jaw, and it finally exploded in dust.

Annabeth pulled Percy to his feet. "You know I'm going to start calling you Princess Leia, right?"

"Sounds good to me, Han Solo." He smiled weakly.

The housekeeper eased open the door. "Mr. Columbus, is everything... Oh. You."

Thalia waved jauntily. "Oh. Us. Everything's fine, thank you. But I'm afraid we have to leave now."

She hopped out the broken window as easily as a cat. Percy followed, hauling the lion's skin.

Only Annabeth paused on the windowsill to survey the smashed table and glass fragments. "Thanks for having us," she chirped. "And sorry about the mess."

* * *

**Sidenote: Sea of Monsters (the movie) is set to be released August 7. Either this story will be finished by then or I'll never finish it at all. And if I don't finish, I'll be looking for someone to adopt this story. PM me if you're interested!**


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